Hey y'all,
alright. I'm packed. My junk (or most of it) is in the car. i head out for KC one last time, and then, on Wednesday it's back to the west. Oh boy.
This semester I'm a storm of swirling mixed feelings about going to Idaho. With my sister-in-law pregnant, and several siblings leaving Utah for MO, I find a lot of the things I look forward to growing more distant. I'm determined to make more friends, so that I won't be lonely or homesick, but I can't but feel a bit skeptical. As a family, we fight with eachother more than anyone else. But at the same time we understand eachother better, communicate better, and enjoy the same things more than anyone else. i'm just gonna have to drug myself with the company of other people to numb the ache of being away from them. It's not like I'm joined at the hip to my siblings, inseperable and what not. But what am I going to do for the 4th of July this year? I'm not one who enjoys talking on the phone a lot, so when am I going to talk to them? Oh well. I just wish I could get a week or two off when the baby comes so that I could be there. I really want to be there!!!!!!!!!!
It's late. I'm tired. And funnily enough, with as much as I'm dwelling on my family and being with them, right now, at this moment, I want to get away from them. I want some fresh air. Fresh people. Fresh atmosphere. Here, I'll describe to you what I'm picturing, and how I feel right now.
Picture a late, summer evening. The sunset is almost faded and the sky is a deep, velvety indigo. There are millions of stars in the sky, like holes in the cieling of heaven where the sunshines through. I'm laying on my back on a wooden dock. One of those old fasioned ones that has unpainted wooden planks that go out to two wooden posts poking out of the water. The water is still-ish. Gentle, laping waves, and those rippling rings all over from where the water bugs skitter across the surface. The sky and dying sunset are reflected on the deep, black and indigo face of the water, like a mirror. All around me are tall, pale, thick-bladed grasses. They grow right up to the sides of the dock, shielding me in from the outside world; completely surrounding the small pond like a secluded world of it's own. There are water lilies and chirping frogs. And a gentle, warm, humid breeze that floats by, sending the grasses into churning cacophonies and swaying sillohettes. Someone half sits, half lays beside me. My hands are folded behind my head and I'm staring into the sky, looking, but not really seeing. Beside me my friend, whether boy or girl I can't exactly identify but it doesn't really matter, reclines of their elbows, with one leg straight, and the other bent. We're talking, lazily. We have a pitcher of white grape juice and two cups that we sip form occassionally, contentedly. I feel so relaxed. So free. I feel so secure. Like I wouldn't have any qualms if I just drifted off to sleep there and lay there, serene and defensless in the open night air. I don't know exactly what we're talking about. Heaven? Italy? Books? My story? Philosophy? Everything? Anything? Maybe even nonsense. There are no city sounds, no cars, no other voices. I can vaguely see a small skiff, lodged in the grasses somewhere nearby. I'm laying on a small persian rug, with a row of tassles on one end. It feels like we could be anywhere, during any time period. The air is thick with an orchestra of night sounds. From crickets to frogs to even a whipper will or two.
Yes, tonight this is where I want to be. At least for a few hours. A few, peaceful, dew speckled hours. Just long enough to forget the rest of the world exists. Just long enough to detatch myself and be myself uncomplicated. I would say that I'd wish that whoever is with me could be a guy, but there's no face, so I can't really picture it too well. I could just as soon be all alone. Only, I wish someone was there with me. Anyone. A friend. That would be nice.
I guess this is good night everyone. Let's not make tonight too complicated, ok? Try, just please try to spend one night simply being, and then we'll all get up tomorrow and go on with our lives and never say a word. Just... think. Just lay there and look at the cieling and (hum?). Or if you have a piano, play something soft and slow and sunny. Like an early early summer morning.
Can't we let tomorrow be tomorrow?
Love,
Kate
Monday, April 13, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Take a DEEP breath...
Today... wow. Long day. Long month.
I'll start with a summary of the month's events.
Mom went off to Utah to do inventory of my recently deceased grandmother's house. Then she brought back a ton of stuff in a moving van. So for the last three weeks or so our house has looked like someone must have just moved in and was still unpacking. We managed to do a lot of dividing up and so forth, and gratefully sent some of the largest items off to Am's apartment. That day was a LONG day. I worked all day, and then came home, ate dinner, got in the van, drove to Columbia, moved junk into Am's place (including a dresser and a couch (which thankfully I didn't have to carry)), and drove home. We got home at about 11:30 pm. Every day that week I had something I had to do in the evenings after work, making it a long week over all.
And then ALSO this month I signed up for my classes for next semester (French, photography something or other, anthropology, art history, art lecture, church history...) totally with 15.5 credits. I then got housing worked out, contract signed and paid for, etc.
Then this month my bosses convinced me to want to work for them from Idaho, resulting in them buying me a company owned laptop to take with me. "My" very own, brand new laptop!!! It's like... Christmas again but I don't get laptops for Christmas, so.... awesome!
And then this month has been the month of up and down all around spasmatic weather. From snow and ice storms to major thunderstorms and some flooding to 79 F and sunny. Literally all over the radar! And between storms the grass has really got a move on on the whole turn green for spring thing, and mom's daffodils are blooming already! The trees are getting tiny buds and that always makes my heart jump with excitement for green and spring!!! Oh, and also between storms we've been burning the hills and the fields. This is a good practise for any typical year anyhow, but with all the rain last year the grass grew like crazy, so the dead grass now is like... well let's just say that the hill looks like a thickly pack, billowy, golden hay bale all it's own. The last time we burned, last Friday really, it was cold and windy. Really windy. So we burned the opposite direction of the wind and tried not to freeze or catch on fire from the flying flames in the wind.
Today was early fast Sunday. Next week is General Conference (yay!) and so today was bumped forward. I didn't eat 'til like 5:30, 6 pm as it goes. No water, no food. I slept from two to three to try not to think about the carrot cake I made yesterday. I made carrot cake because I was looking for something to bake that I hadn't had in a while. When I saw it I got all excited. I haven't hade carrot cake in AGES. It almost seems like no one has had it in ages either, or least I haven't heard it mentioned recently at all. Unique, and special I thought. Well tonight at YSA dinner one of the leaders informed us that one of the men had brought... carrot cake. What? Really? Wow! That's... a surpise! (but I must admit, I liked my cake better. No prejudice about it being mine or anything. Maybe it's just my recipe. It was more moist and more flavorful. And, well, it didn't have raisins.)
Later this month my grandmother (the NON deceased on, obviously) is coming to stay with us for a few weeks. I'm leaving for Idaho shortly after she gets here though. My sister Johanna is also coming out for a week. She's going to Kansas City to look for housing for her move in May. I hope to tag along. And THEN the week after I leave (a few DAYS after really) Tom and Margo are coming out. They too are looking for housing for their move this summer. I'm going to be alone in the west this year!!! *Sad, dejected face* Well, I do have extended family still, but it's still not quite the same.
And now for the big, beautiful, burst your buttons with joy news. I'M GOING TO BE AN AUNT!!!! YIPEEE!!!! Tom and Margo are pregnant (ok, only Margo really. But they always say it like that for some reason). Expecting around November they think. They just called my mom and dad and told them. I can't even explain how happy this makes me, so you'll just have to take my word for it and pretend you can see my jumping up and down and whooping and singing to myself. :)
YAY!!!!!!
Yeah. Busy, busy, busy! And before I know it I'll be back in Idaho, plugging away at my classes and making new friends (cross my fingers and hope to die) and meeting up with old ones and singing at stadium singing which I love and miss a ton and wishing I were home again anyways and wishing it were warmer and greener but happy and... happy any how.
Phew! Hold it together, Kate. It's going to be a long hawl! Hopefully fun though, right?
Cheers people!!
p.s. I've been reading some of Elder Derryn Stiner's letters about his mission in Congo... wow! That's all i can say about it. Wow! Those of you who have read them, you know what I mean!
I'll start with a summary of the month's events.
Mom went off to Utah to do inventory of my recently deceased grandmother's house. Then she brought back a ton of stuff in a moving van. So for the last three weeks or so our house has looked like someone must have just moved in and was still unpacking. We managed to do a lot of dividing up and so forth, and gratefully sent some of the largest items off to Am's apartment. That day was a LONG day. I worked all day, and then came home, ate dinner, got in the van, drove to Columbia, moved junk into Am's place (including a dresser and a couch (which thankfully I didn't have to carry)), and drove home. We got home at about 11:30 pm. Every day that week I had something I had to do in the evenings after work, making it a long week over all.
And then ALSO this month I signed up for my classes for next semester (French, photography something or other, anthropology, art history, art lecture, church history...) totally with 15.5 credits. I then got housing worked out, contract signed and paid for, etc.
Then this month my bosses convinced me to want to work for them from Idaho, resulting in them buying me a company owned laptop to take with me. "My" very own, brand new laptop!!! It's like... Christmas again but I don't get laptops for Christmas, so.... awesome!
And then this month has been the month of up and down all around spasmatic weather. From snow and ice storms to major thunderstorms and some flooding to 79 F and sunny. Literally all over the radar! And between storms the grass has really got a move on on the whole turn green for spring thing, and mom's daffodils are blooming already! The trees are getting tiny buds and that always makes my heart jump with excitement for green and spring!!! Oh, and also between storms we've been burning the hills and the fields. This is a good practise for any typical year anyhow, but with all the rain last year the grass grew like crazy, so the dead grass now is like... well let's just say that the hill looks like a thickly pack, billowy, golden hay bale all it's own. The last time we burned, last Friday really, it was cold and windy. Really windy. So we burned the opposite direction of the wind and tried not to freeze or catch on fire from the flying flames in the wind.
Today was early fast Sunday. Next week is General Conference (yay!) and so today was bumped forward. I didn't eat 'til like 5:30, 6 pm as it goes. No water, no food. I slept from two to three to try not to think about the carrot cake I made yesterday. I made carrot cake because I was looking for something to bake that I hadn't had in a while. When I saw it I got all excited. I haven't hade carrot cake in AGES. It almost seems like no one has had it in ages either, or least I haven't heard it mentioned recently at all. Unique, and special I thought. Well tonight at YSA dinner one of the leaders informed us that one of the men had brought... carrot cake. What? Really? Wow! That's... a surpise! (but I must admit, I liked my cake better. No prejudice about it being mine or anything. Maybe it's just my recipe. It was more moist and more flavorful. And, well, it didn't have raisins.)
Later this month my grandmother (the NON deceased on, obviously) is coming to stay with us for a few weeks. I'm leaving for Idaho shortly after she gets here though. My sister Johanna is also coming out for a week. She's going to Kansas City to look for housing for her move in May. I hope to tag along. And THEN the week after I leave (a few DAYS after really) Tom and Margo are coming out. They too are looking for housing for their move this summer. I'm going to be alone in the west this year!!! *Sad, dejected face* Well, I do have extended family still, but it's still not quite the same.
And now for the big, beautiful, burst your buttons with joy news. I'M GOING TO BE AN AUNT!!!! YIPEEE!!!! Tom and Margo are pregnant (ok, only Margo really. But they always say it like that for some reason). Expecting around November they think. They just called my mom and dad and told them. I can't even explain how happy this makes me, so you'll just have to take my word for it and pretend you can see my jumping up and down and whooping and singing to myself. :)
YAY!!!!!!
Yeah. Busy, busy, busy! And before I know it I'll be back in Idaho, plugging away at my classes and making new friends (cross my fingers and hope to die) and meeting up with old ones and singing at stadium singing which I love and miss a ton and wishing I were home again anyways and wishing it were warmer and greener but happy and... happy any how.
Phew! Hold it together, Kate. It's going to be a long hawl! Hopefully fun though, right?
Cheers people!!
p.s. I've been reading some of Elder Derryn Stiner's letters about his mission in Congo... wow! That's all i can say about it. Wow! Those of you who have read them, you know what I mean!
Monday, March 23, 2009
Storms part one: Predisposed to lure you
Storms are like good books. They're intoxicating. They're like sweet nectar and cool water to my blood. I feel an added energy pumping along side the red cells and plasma in my veins. It's real, and it's drug like. I can feel my thoughts intensifying and clearifying. I kick off my socks and and crouch, like a cat, in the shadows just inside my window. The wind carries the energy. I can tell, because every time I inhale the humid gusts that blow through my screen I can taste it. I can feel it as it enters my lungs and then my blood. It's the gypsy, pre-storm ghost breezes that tantalize me like this the most. Their overwhelming scentless scents. Their tasteless flavors. Like the dancers, with their long, colorful ribbons flowing, that precede the parades of lords and conquerors. And in their silent rythms singing are the dicordant bird songs, like the lyres and nomadic pipe songs. It's the very breath of lightning in your lungs.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Love is life. So, to be or not to be?
Bonjourno, mes amigos!
Contradiction, contradiction, contradiction, and yes.
Life is crashing to an end! The sky has fallen out of the sun! I feel my blood chilling and my brain broiling! To be or not to be that is le question, oui? Tu chez, tu chez! Wo is smee! Wo, wo, wo is smee! ("pant pant pant")
Feeling sorry for yourself? Well, try our new bottle dose product of "forget yourself" and feel your very heart of depressingly dark coal melt into bubbles. Here at the T.H.A.N.G. we dress to impress, and would like to prove you wrong about all preconcieved notions of self-pity! No, this is not a Love Potion #9, nor is it a dulling-sleeping draft. With a healthy dose of our "forget yourself", once every few days or so your wildest, and definitely brightest, dreams will surely come true! Try us, try us and you may... try us, try us and you may say:
Contradiction, contradiction, contradiction, and yes.
Life is crashing to an end! The sky has fallen out of the sun! I feel my blood chilling and my brain broiling! To be or not to be that is le question, oui? Tu chez, tu chez! Wo is smee! Wo, wo, wo is smee! ("pant pant pant")
Feeling sorry for yourself? Well, try our new bottle dose product of "forget yourself" and feel your very heart of depressingly dark coal melt into bubbles. Here at the T.H.A.N.G. we dress to impress, and would like to prove you wrong about all preconcieved notions of self-pity! No, this is not a Love Potion #9, nor is it a dulling-sleeping draft. With a healthy dose of our "forget yourself", once every few days or so your wildest, and definitely brightest, dreams will surely come true! Try us, try us and you may... try us, try us and you may say:
"COWABUNGA!"
WARNING: try this at home!
And people think that life is hard.
And I suppose that would make them right.
But besides that...
I love hot chocolate with rich, canned milk. I love when you're drawing and your pencil makes miraculous things happen that you didn't think you could do. I love reading a good, satisfying, book. The kind that makes you want to snuggle deep under a blanket in the sunshine and drift away, seamlessly, soundlessly. I love toast and jam with milk. I love hot pie with new york vanilla ice cream that just melts ontop. I love sudden cloud burst. I love sun rays. The ones that streak through the cracks in the clouds, illuminted by water particles all the way to the ground where they light up the earth like natural golden spot lights. I love swimming in ponds and lakes with a few good friends. I love canoing, and the exhiliration that comes when you're stearing and you see a bend in the river up ahead! I love cuddling a cuddly cat and letting it purr and nuzzle my chin and stretch its paws against my collarbone. I love watching new born kittens play, innocent and full of energy. The harmless bites, that rompus chases. The sudden bushy tailed, wide eyed and started surprises that leave them shooting back just to skid around and charge again. I love laying awake and listening to the crickets singing. I love chasing fireflies. I love wondering about my one-day husband, and my one-day children. How we'll meet. How they'll look. Their names, their faces, their smiles. Their laughter. I love closing my eyes and pretending I'm in the places I see in pictures. Standing on the edge of the waterfall cliffs in Brazil, feeling the mist in my face and the thrill of the shear drop at my feet. Or walking through the crowded markets of India or Morocco, with sweat, leather, spices, and oils scenting the air. Or dancing jigs at an Irish festival, clapping my hands, tapping my feet to the fast and fietsy fiddle music. Laughing, telling tall tales, commenting on nothingnesses. Or riding horses along the beach in New Zealand. Drinking hot-cocoa and people watching at a cafe in Paris. I love waking up just in time to see the sunrise, even if I fall back to sleep again. I love stretching. The sweet, twisty, relieving feeling of stretching. When it send ripples up your spine and your toes twitch with pleasure. I love looking at my self in the mirror and saying, with a completely serious face, something utterly ridiculous in an absurd British accent and then walking away before bursting into loud guffaws. I love running so hard that you feel this weightless, giddy sensation wash over you. I love greeting people in the morning. I like saying hi more than goodbye. Sometimes i just prefer to slip away. But there's something fun about greeting people in the morning. I love running my hands through my hair. It's soft and silky and relaxes me. (not some vain thing mind). I love the good eccentrics. The ones that do the good things that no one would ever have thought of. The silly, odd, fun and cheerful things. I love milk. Oh, I love a good, deep, cold glass of milk! And then letting out a deep sigh after a long sip. I love faery wings and water lilies and dew. I love gummy bears and babies cheeks and fun socks. I love swords and military metals and fishing poles. I love watching the water trails behind motor boats. I love watching duck and geese on the water. I love listening to the geese as they fly overhead. I love capris and t-shirts. I love toffee. I love pistachios. I love listening to foreigners speak English in their own accents and with their own speach uniqunesses. I love children's non-nonsensical stories. I love sticking my feet out either side of the covers. I love food still hot: mashed potatoes, bread, beans, french fries, pie, sausage... I love fruit! Fruit juice. Fruit pie. Fruit preserves. Fruit yogurt. Fruit raw. Fruit salad. Fruit pizza. Fruit jerky.
I love my family and friends and this world. I love how many blessings and talents and choices I have. I love succeeding and accomplishing and growing and learning. I love it when I find out about something I'd never even concieved of before.
I love life.
I love love.
_
And people think that life is hard.
And I suppose that would make them right.
But besides that...
I love hot chocolate with rich, canned milk. I love when you're drawing and your pencil makes miraculous things happen that you didn't think you could do. I love reading a good, satisfying, book. The kind that makes you want to snuggle deep under a blanket in the sunshine and drift away, seamlessly, soundlessly. I love toast and jam with milk. I love hot pie with new york vanilla ice cream that just melts ontop. I love sudden cloud burst. I love sun rays. The ones that streak through the cracks in the clouds, illuminted by water particles all the way to the ground where they light up the earth like natural golden spot lights. I love swimming in ponds and lakes with a few good friends. I love canoing, and the exhiliration that comes when you're stearing and you see a bend in the river up ahead! I love cuddling a cuddly cat and letting it purr and nuzzle my chin and stretch its paws against my collarbone. I love watching new born kittens play, innocent and full of energy. The harmless bites, that rompus chases. The sudden bushy tailed, wide eyed and started surprises that leave them shooting back just to skid around and charge again. I love laying awake and listening to the crickets singing. I love chasing fireflies. I love wondering about my one-day husband, and my one-day children. How we'll meet. How they'll look. Their names, their faces, their smiles. Their laughter. I love closing my eyes and pretending I'm in the places I see in pictures. Standing on the edge of the waterfall cliffs in Brazil, feeling the mist in my face and the thrill of the shear drop at my feet. Or walking through the crowded markets of India or Morocco, with sweat, leather, spices, and oils scenting the air. Or dancing jigs at an Irish festival, clapping my hands, tapping my feet to the fast and fietsy fiddle music. Laughing, telling tall tales, commenting on nothingnesses. Or riding horses along the beach in New Zealand. Drinking hot-cocoa and people watching at a cafe in Paris. I love waking up just in time to see the sunrise, even if I fall back to sleep again. I love stretching. The sweet, twisty, relieving feeling of stretching. When it send ripples up your spine and your toes twitch with pleasure. I love looking at my self in the mirror and saying, with a completely serious face, something utterly ridiculous in an absurd British accent and then walking away before bursting into loud guffaws. I love running so hard that you feel this weightless, giddy sensation wash over you. I love greeting people in the morning. I like saying hi more than goodbye. Sometimes i just prefer to slip away. But there's something fun about greeting people in the morning. I love running my hands through my hair. It's soft and silky and relaxes me. (not some vain thing mind). I love the good eccentrics. The ones that do the good things that no one would ever have thought of. The silly, odd, fun and cheerful things. I love milk. Oh, I love a good, deep, cold glass of milk! And then letting out a deep sigh after a long sip. I love faery wings and water lilies and dew. I love gummy bears and babies cheeks and fun socks. I love swords and military metals and fishing poles. I love watching the water trails behind motor boats. I love watching duck and geese on the water. I love listening to the geese as they fly overhead. I love capris and t-shirts. I love toffee. I love pistachios. I love listening to foreigners speak English in their own accents and with their own speach uniqunesses. I love children's non-nonsensical stories. I love sticking my feet out either side of the covers. I love food still hot: mashed potatoes, bread, beans, french fries, pie, sausage... I love fruit! Fruit juice. Fruit pie. Fruit preserves. Fruit yogurt. Fruit raw. Fruit salad. Fruit pizza. Fruit jerky.
I love my family and friends and this world. I love how many blessings and talents and choices I have. I love succeeding and accomplishing and growing and learning. I love it when I find out about something I'd never even concieved of before.
I love life.
I love love.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Multi-dimensional Me
Dear imaginary audience. You are my favorite kind of audience. I feel confident, wild, and scandalously open when I perform for you. (And as a bit of personal thought, I've always felt that perform should be spelled preform, except then it would get mixed up with forming before the fact. We say it, or at least I do, pr-e-form. With a short "e" and the "r" before it.)
And I also find myself saying "spell-t" rather than "spell-ed". Hmm...
But besides that.
Today was one of those days that I was so glad I'm a girl, and not the alternative. And yet, I found myself succumbing to some of the worst attributes my sex is infamous for. Let me explain.
My mother has been in Utah all week, helping my aunt do inventory of my late grandmother's house. So, while she's away, I'm home alone with my dad and little brother. Men! They NEVER put the toilet seat down. NEVER notice when they just toss things here or set things down there or make a complete disaster of things in general. And NEVER make a whole, healthy, un-greasy meal. At least these ones don't. Or at least not THIS week.
I'm rapidly coming up to my next period (sorry if that makes anyone blush, I don't really think it's a secret event or anything), and I know this from how I'm feeling. Hormones and what not. Rapid mood changes, feeling girly, craving milk (though I do that most of the time anyway), etc. Girls, you know what I mean. Well, being stuck home with two GUYS isn't the best situation for this to happen in. So tonight, when I knew Dad and Sam were going to be gone at Wed. night activities, I stopped at the library and checked out a couple of chick-flicks. Not the sappy sweet ones. I don't like those period. It's more like Sweet Home Alabama and, yes it's sticky, Sleepless in Seattle. I wanted girl silly time.
Well when I got home my dad was just finishing dinner. He hadn't bothered to make me anything. He just said, "I guess you can find something for yourself, I'm off. Please do the dishes".
I overreacted. Now I KNOW that now, and even though I still feel justified in feeling upset, I'm not proud of getting so angry. You see, I've done dishes, ALONE, every day since my mother left. The day I asked my father and brother to do them, they didn't. Let just let them stack up until dad asked ME to do them. I told him that that WAS NOT FAIR, and he started telling me that Sam brought in firewood today and so it was fair. Ok, no let's see here. I WORK all day. I have a JOB! And not only is Sam not working, but he's on spring break this week. He's sitting around, not doing ANYTHING all day. I asked him. I said, "So Sam, what did you do with yourself today?" "Nothing. Watched a movie." FAIR?!? I'm the one that straightens up all their messes this week! Last night I was on beck and call for my dad who needed help with his computer. Every five minutes it was, "Kate!" And he thinks that because Sam brought in firewood (and not even a whole wall's worth (you'd have to be here to know what that means)) it makes it fair for me to do the job he and Sam were suppose to do. Two days worth of dishes? I'm not home all day. The only dishes I use are one cup for breakfast and dinner dishes!
Well, the matter couldn't have been made any better by the fact that I was up 'til 3 a.m. this morning registering for classes. Sam had two friends over last night and when I finally got to bed I was kept up a while by their voices, echoing down the hallway. Roar.
Well I swore to him that I wasn't doing the dishes, not alone anyway, and he'd just have to deal with that. And of course he started ranting and raving about how I was living at home rent free and he just might start charging me if I didn't do what I was told. I told him, more like yelled at him, that he could bite me. I didn't care. So he stormed out.
At about eight o'clock I did the dishes.
Friday night the storms rolled into Kirksville. Friday night I watched the lighting shooting across the yard, but there wasn't much rain and or thunder. Saturday night it rained. It thundered. It STORMED. A beautiful, beautiful, full fledged storm. Sunday morning we awoke to discover that we weren't going to be making it to church. The creeks were flooded and the driveway crossing was uncrossable. By the time I managed to get out there with my camera it had died down a lot, but then church was over. It wasn't 'til the evening that the crossing got low enough to pass over anyhow. Sunday night it rained some more. Dad says that he thinks this winter-thaw part of the year is that uggliest of all, but I'd have to disagree. The rain and damp air saturated every color in the landscape. The grass was saffron gold, the trees deep, dark chocolate brown, the sky a pearly, blue-grey... and so on. It was BEAUTIFUL! I LOVE nature!
Everything I'm thinking in my head is filtered through a southern drawl right now. Sometimes I just do that. Think in a different accent. Makes me feel... multi-dimensional.
G'night.
And I also find myself saying "spell-t" rather than "spell-ed". Hmm...
But besides that.
Today was one of those days that I was so glad I'm a girl, and not the alternative. And yet, I found myself succumbing to some of the worst attributes my sex is infamous for. Let me explain.
My mother has been in Utah all week, helping my aunt do inventory of my late grandmother's house. So, while she's away, I'm home alone with my dad and little brother. Men! They NEVER put the toilet seat down. NEVER notice when they just toss things here or set things down there or make a complete disaster of things in general. And NEVER make a whole, healthy, un-greasy meal. At least these ones don't. Or at least not THIS week.
I'm rapidly coming up to my next period (sorry if that makes anyone blush, I don't really think it's a secret event or anything), and I know this from how I'm feeling. Hormones and what not. Rapid mood changes, feeling girly, craving milk (though I do that most of the time anyway), etc. Girls, you know what I mean. Well, being stuck home with two GUYS isn't the best situation for this to happen in. So tonight, when I knew Dad and Sam were going to be gone at Wed. night activities, I stopped at the library and checked out a couple of chick-flicks. Not the sappy sweet ones. I don't like those period. It's more like Sweet Home Alabama and, yes it's sticky, Sleepless in Seattle. I wanted girl silly time.
Well when I got home my dad was just finishing dinner. He hadn't bothered to make me anything. He just said, "I guess you can find something for yourself, I'm off. Please do the dishes".
I overreacted. Now I KNOW that now, and even though I still feel justified in feeling upset, I'm not proud of getting so angry. You see, I've done dishes, ALONE, every day since my mother left. The day I asked my father and brother to do them, they didn't. Let just let them stack up until dad asked ME to do them. I told him that that WAS NOT FAIR, and he started telling me that Sam brought in firewood today and so it was fair. Ok, no let's see here. I WORK all day. I have a JOB! And not only is Sam not working, but he's on spring break this week. He's sitting around, not doing ANYTHING all day. I asked him. I said, "So Sam, what did you do with yourself today?" "Nothing. Watched a movie." FAIR?!? I'm the one that straightens up all their messes this week! Last night I was on beck and call for my dad who needed help with his computer. Every five minutes it was, "Kate!" And he thinks that because Sam brought in firewood (and not even a whole wall's worth (you'd have to be here to know what that means)) it makes it fair for me to do the job he and Sam were suppose to do. Two days worth of dishes? I'm not home all day. The only dishes I use are one cup for breakfast and dinner dishes!
Well, the matter couldn't have been made any better by the fact that I was up 'til 3 a.m. this morning registering for classes. Sam had two friends over last night and when I finally got to bed I was kept up a while by their voices, echoing down the hallway. Roar.
Well I swore to him that I wasn't doing the dishes, not alone anyway, and he'd just have to deal with that. And of course he started ranting and raving about how I was living at home rent free and he just might start charging me if I didn't do what I was told. I told him, more like yelled at him, that he could bite me. I didn't care. So he stormed out.
At about eight o'clock I did the dishes.
Friday night the storms rolled into Kirksville. Friday night I watched the lighting shooting across the yard, but there wasn't much rain and or thunder. Saturday night it rained. It thundered. It STORMED. A beautiful, beautiful, full fledged storm. Sunday morning we awoke to discover that we weren't going to be making it to church. The creeks were flooded and the driveway crossing was uncrossable. By the time I managed to get out there with my camera it had died down a lot, but then church was over. It wasn't 'til the evening that the crossing got low enough to pass over anyhow. Sunday night it rained some more. Dad says that he thinks this winter-thaw part of the year is that uggliest of all, but I'd have to disagree. The rain and damp air saturated every color in the landscape. The grass was saffron gold, the trees deep, dark chocolate brown, the sky a pearly, blue-grey... and so on. It was BEAUTIFUL! I LOVE nature!
Everything I'm thinking in my head is filtered through a southern drawl right now. Sometimes I just do that. Think in a different accent. Makes me feel... multi-dimensional.
G'night.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Nonsense and non sense. Different but equal.
Garble garble garble... on and on. I let thoughts float freely, unhindered in my head. I want to write them down. No. I NEED to write them down. I feel that my journals may never be of any use to anyone in the future, but I find them fascinating a few years beyond them. Reading back I feel a slushy of, "And I thought I was smart? I sound like an immature, whiny twit!" or "Oh wow! That's really good! When did I forget all that and become dumb again?" . I dunno. Maybe with all the paper I use I'll have a home-storage supply of fire-started when I'm old and living under the sky, eating rabbit and warming my hands that are covered in ratty gloves with no ends on the fingertips. Who knows. Hobos!
Write now I'm ready two books, and listening to two books on tape/CD. We're the multi-tasking generation, right? We should exercise our talents and strive to be the best we can be in all we're good at, etc. etc. right? Without going insane???? Ok. I'm just practicing for the upcoming semester or some of made of excusy reason that makes me sound like I'm actually do this for a purpose. I'm learning to juggle my brain juices. For as we all know, or atleast those of us who are fortunate enough to be spiratically creative and daring know, that when certain brain juices mix, BOOM. (yeah, that was a load of nonsense that makes non sense.)
I gave blood today. First time. Got a pin and everything! I'm not afraid of blood at all. Watching my plum-purple and melted-slushy puree of blood flowing through the tubes was actually really cool. It's me. Real, hot, sloshing blood. MY blood. I admit that I was nervous before I got there. Jumpy really. Couldn't concentrate at work. I didn't know how it would go. Whether it was going to be all steril and that sad blue-green-grey of a hostpital feel that makes me depressed and anxious, or... what. It turned out to be just a few cots rigged up around the church gym, with white cardboard walls set up for the "interigations". (smile). I liked that comfortable, casual feeling of it all. Like a beduin camp. Nomads. And while I still smell iodine everywhere it makes me think more of the dark, amber color of the liquid than any stinging pain sensation one with associate with it in regards of a hostpital or doctor's office. The workers were young and jovial. Laughing and chatting and they immediately brought me into the conversation. When they finally hoisted my sack of blood up off the floor and pinched off my tube I got pats all around for doing it all like a pro- no "first timer squeemish" nonsense. I'm glad, for I can't deny that I had been nervous. Unashamedly so.
I love animals. I just have a comfortable understanding of them that always makes me feel at home and confident. I don't know why, but I understand them and I like them easier than I come to liking most people. Certainly they warm up to me much faster than people generally do. I'm not boasting that I'm some kind of "animal whisperer" or some other nonsense, but I will never deny that I have a thing with animals. I love them, and every day when I'm in college I pine for a pet. An animal companion. Whenever I go to my sister's in Utah I play with and, she probably believes, pamper her cats in a "pay you attention, love you, tease you" sort of way that leaves her in a fix when I leave. They want her to give them the attention I did, but she's too busy. Spoiled sissy brats! But cute and cuddly non the less. (grin). I get sick and tired of our dog, Abby, sliding off my bed and taking all my blankets with her, and generally just hogging the bed period, but I miss her when she's not there. She may snore, but I love it when she rests her head on my knee and warms my feet. Now there's a stray cat who greats me at the door everytime I leave work. We don't know who she belongs to so we feed her and she apparently loves me. Have to threaten to run over her to get her to stop following me to my car. (silly, silly sweet heart). I'm going to try and take a class on zoology this semester. We'll see how it goes.
Cheers.
Write now I'm ready two books, and listening to two books on tape/CD. We're the multi-tasking generation, right? We should exercise our talents and strive to be the best we can be in all we're good at, etc. etc. right? Without going insane???? Ok. I'm just practicing for the upcoming semester or some of made of excusy reason that makes me sound like I'm actually do this for a purpose. I'm learning to juggle my brain juices. For as we all know, or atleast those of us who are fortunate enough to be spiratically creative and daring know, that when certain brain juices mix, BOOM. (yeah, that was a load of nonsense that makes non sense.)
I gave blood today. First time. Got a pin and everything! I'm not afraid of blood at all. Watching my plum-purple and melted-slushy puree of blood flowing through the tubes was actually really cool. It's me. Real, hot, sloshing blood. MY blood. I admit that I was nervous before I got there. Jumpy really. Couldn't concentrate at work. I didn't know how it would go. Whether it was going to be all steril and that sad blue-green-grey of a hostpital feel that makes me depressed and anxious, or... what. It turned out to be just a few cots rigged up around the church gym, with white cardboard walls set up for the "interigations". (smile). I liked that comfortable, casual feeling of it all. Like a beduin camp. Nomads. And while I still smell iodine everywhere it makes me think more of the dark, amber color of the liquid than any stinging pain sensation one with associate with it in regards of a hostpital or doctor's office. The workers were young and jovial. Laughing and chatting and they immediately brought me into the conversation. When they finally hoisted my sack of blood up off the floor and pinched off my tube I got pats all around for doing it all like a pro- no "first timer squeemish" nonsense. I'm glad, for I can't deny that I had been nervous. Unashamedly so.
I love animals. I just have a comfortable understanding of them that always makes me feel at home and confident. I don't know why, but I understand them and I like them easier than I come to liking most people. Certainly they warm up to me much faster than people generally do. I'm not boasting that I'm some kind of "animal whisperer" or some other nonsense, but I will never deny that I have a thing with animals. I love them, and every day when I'm in college I pine for a pet. An animal companion. Whenever I go to my sister's in Utah I play with and, she probably believes, pamper her cats in a "pay you attention, love you, tease you" sort of way that leaves her in a fix when I leave. They want her to give them the attention I did, but she's too busy. Spoiled sissy brats! But cute and cuddly non the less. (grin). I get sick and tired of our dog, Abby, sliding off my bed and taking all my blankets with her, and generally just hogging the bed period, but I miss her when she's not there. She may snore, but I love it when she rests her head on my knee and warms my feet. Now there's a stray cat who greats me at the door everytime I leave work. We don't know who she belongs to so we feed her and she apparently loves me. Have to threaten to run over her to get her to stop following me to my car. (silly, silly sweet heart). I'm going to try and take a class on zoology this semester. We'll see how it goes.
Cheers.
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